Pumpkin Carving

It was a nice day out so Morgan and I decided to buy a pumpkin and carve it. She does not remember us doing this when she was little. That kind of made me sad. There are so many things we did together when the kids were little. I have all kinds of precious memories, but they have forgotten so much.

Well, we made up for it by re-creating a pumpkin carving memory a couple of days ago. Dylan missed out because he was at school. He probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as us girls did. We bought a little kit at Target and a pumpkin at the grocery store. It was fun! We chose a pretty tough design for one side and a very simple one for the back. Now it's on our front porch to greet friends as they come over to Casa Crews!

The front design (this was pretty tough).

The back (super easy)

Preparing for College

Before I tell you all about where and when she's going, let me tell you a little bit about the most important girl in the world and how she came into our lives.

In the summer of 1997, I was swimming in the state swim meet at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. I was 27 years old and had qualified in my age group for both the freestyle and backstroke events. When I woke up that morning, I felt really dizzy and tired and nearly dropped out of the race. But I decided not to quit and just do my best.

After I swam the backstroke, I fainted in my husband's arms (some have told me it was like a movie as he ran and caught me just in time and carried me to the medical tent). I discovered through this that I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

That baby has grown into a precious 17-year-old lady. She is a strong, kind, compassionate young woman who thinks for herself. Morgan Michelle Crews is unique! Her opinions and her sense of style are fabulous. I may sound a little prejudice, but I think she's amazing. Those sparkling blue eyes that I first had the privilege of seeing on April 8, 1998 still pierce my heart.

Morgan has endured quite a lot of difficulty in her short life, but she always moves forward. When she gets knocked down, I have watched her time after time as she gets herself back up and presses on. Her determination and "can do" attitude help get her through life. I witnessed her run her first half marathon at the age of 11 and the next year I got to run one with her and see her push herself on those last two miles when she was feeling extreme pain. She takes that same spirit with her throughout life.

When tears flood those beautiful blue eyes, it crushes me. I wish I could take every ounce of pain and put it on myself so she doesn't have to feel it. I'm a momma and that's just how it is. And let me tell you, when she laughs, it brightens my heart. When I see her artwork or read her writings or listen to her play guitar, it fills me with incredible joy.

Discovering my pregnancy on the heels of a swim meet at Texas Tech 18 years ago was pretty cool. I haven't been there since then. But I'm about to head back in a few weeks because wouldn't you know... Morgan is going to attend school there!

Now, this part is difficult for me. She is a senior and we expected that she would be graduating in May of 2016, but she made the decision to finish school early. So, instead of many more months of having her around Casa Crews, we only have til January! This is very hard. I didn't get a full senior year to get ready for the goodbyes.

But, I know she's made the right decision and I have a strong feeling that she is going to do very well. Next month we are meeting with her recruiter and taking a tour of the campus, including the marketing department and fashion apparel department (she's going to be studying fashion marketing).

Meanwhile, I'm soaking in every ounce of her being here. There are easy days and there are tough days. Preparing for college is pretty intense for the entire family. As we get closer and closer to her departure, I'm feeling the emptiness. I will miss my sweet daughter greatly. And I will always be grateful for the time I got to have her in my home. The next phase will be different, but good. I just know it.

My artsy, beautiful girl :)

Her graduation gift from her daddy- a Jeep!!!

Pain or Nothing

Without going into details, this year has been a highly dramatic one. Illegal acts have been committed against our family and we have been involved in some very serious legal battles. Just when I was hoping we were coming to the end of it all, we were hit yesterday with a serious blow.

Great harm has come to us over the past few months. I have not been at liberty to talk to anyone about it, but I have spent lots of time on my knees in prayer. As a result, I have lost a lot of sleep, but have gained a lot of strength I would not otherwise have.

"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain."~ William Faulkner

Pain hurts. I wrote about this only a few days ago on this blog and said then the same thing I say now. If I could go back in time to change it and avoid the pain, I would not. This pain is leading our family where we need to be so I choose the pain. But we are in some of the most painful situations in life right now and I have moments in which I can barely breathe. In those moments, the only way I survive is my faith in Jesus. He keeps me breathing. He keeps me moving. He keeps me.

Today, my focus will be on moving forward even though I hurt. I'm so very proud of my husband and kids because they are doing the same thing. They are out doing what they are supposed to do in the midst of the pain. One day we will look back on this time and say we are thankful for this pain.

Well Done

I have finished the work you gave me to do~ John 17:4

That's what it is all about for me. Finish the work that I have been given. Not someone else's work. But the work God has given to me. And not to go about it lazily, but to pour my heart and soul into it. Doing it with great zeal. I don't want to squander my gifts and talents God has given me. At the end of my life, I want to hear those long awaited words: "well done".

In fact, at the end of every single day, I would like to lay my head on my pillow and hear those words. Each day, I want to finish the work I've been given to do in that day. And I would like to believe that I will have peaceful rest as a result. "Well done good and faithful servant. Enter into your rest."

It is a beautiful morning. It has been a pleasure to sit outside on my deck and have coffee on a cool, crisp Texas day. My goal for the day is to do what I'm supposed to do so that tonight I can close my eyes and drift off to peaceful slumber hearing "well done".

Positive Thoughts

Bad things can and do happen. But guess what... Good things can and do happen too!

It's a beautiful cool morning in Southeast Texas. A deep blue sky covers the woods where runners and cyclists have been out all morning, where birds are singing, kids are laughing. I have finished my 10 mile run and now sit out by my pool with a cup of coffee. I am grateful.

So many times I dwell on the negatives of my life. I see the painful events of my past and present and feel hopeless for my future. Often I forget to remember the good stuff. I forget the kind and wonderful things people have said or done and remember the mean things. Why? I forget the lovely moments of holding my kids and playing with them for hours when they were little and remember instead every mistake I ever made as a mom.

Shame on me! Life has been very difficult. We have been through excruciating pain. BUT, we have also known very happy times. We did some stuff right as parents. Our family enjoyed traveling. We got to do races together. We have had some good things come our way. Those are the things I need to focus on, not the bad things.

In fact, even the Bible mentions this in Phillipians 4:8 ~ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I do not want to live in fear or anxiety for all the terrible things that might go wrong. Instead I want to recognize that something good is just as possible. Sure, I will suffer some disappointments, but I will also see the good. And I will live a happier life choosing to focus on the positive. Today, I'm happy. Something terrible could happen. But so could something good. It already has. I ran 10 miles and I'm having coffee. 

I Needed That Pain

In the television series, LOST, Sawyer asked John Locke if given the chance, would he go back in time and change things to save himself a world of pain. I've been thinking a lot about Locke's answer: "No, I needed that pain - to get to where I am now."

It's well known that we grow and learn the most through our struggles. We get stronger when we endure pain. It is how character is developed. No one likes the pain, but it is easy to look back and recognize how pain develops us.

I've been in a pretty tough time over the past year. Troubles have come into our life that have made me think our battles against cancer were a piece of cake. It looks like we could be coming to the end of the horror, but the lingering effects of what we've been enduring are likely to stick around forever.

The pain of life can leave us permanently wounded or scarred, but the question I keep asking myself is the one Sawyer asked Locke. If I could, would I go back and change it to save myself the pain? No. As much as I hate my pain, as badly as I hurt, I would not turn around and go back. This pain has a purpose. I have no idea what that purpose is, but I know it has one. Whether I ever truly understand the extent of that purpose, I will trust that the pain I've endured will get me where I need to be.

Blood Cancer Awareness

September is National Blood Cancer Awareness Month. It is also National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. These two go hand in hand of course. I've known this since I was a 7-year-old sitting in the leukemia section of Texas Children's Hospital where my baby brother was receiving chemotherapy.

I hate blood cancer. I hate that every 3 minutes someone in the USA is diagnosed with a blood cancer. And that every 10 minutes someone dies. I hate that it doesn't matter if you're healthy and strong and young and filled with life, it can come in like a flood and destroy you. I've seen it do this to many people I love.

When cancer dares to attack a child, it infuriates me. Our babies deserve a chance to live. They deserve a chance to be a carefree kid because that only happens once in life. Kids should be outside playing with their friends, getting dirty, collecting critters to show off to mom and dad, riding bikes, swimming, dancing, going to school. They should NOT be shut up inside a hospital room hooked up to IVs with poison pumping into their tiny veins. 

I'm not a fan of putting down other cancer awareness campaigns or complaining that they get more attention. I don't think that solves problems, just makes us enemies when we should unite to bring all cancers to an end. So, I won't complain that there are other cancers that get more funding and attention. Instead, I will say that I think more funding and attention needs to be given to cancers of the blood and MOST DEFINITELY to childhood cancers. They say that funding is lacking because childhood cancer is so "rare". Well, that's BS!

I have gotten into a little trouble for saying what I think before, but I won't keep quiet on this issue. If a gunman walked into a school and shot 49 kids, seven of whom were killed while the rest were taken to the hospital to fight for their lives, we would all be angry. The news would not stop talking about it. Some people would yell about gun control. There would be national and even international outrage. Well, this happens every single day in America. Only it's not a gunman doing the damage. It's cancer. Every day, 49 kids get diagnosed with cancer and 7 of them die. Seven kids every day die of cancer. Every year, 1500 innocent children lose their lives to CANCER!!!! Where is the outrage?

Here are a few facts about pediatric cancer:

• Each year around 13,500 children are diagnosed with cancer in the US, that’s more than a classroom of kids a day.
• 35,000 children are currently in treatment for cancer.
•  In 80% of kids, cancer has already spread to other areas of the body by the time it is diagnosed.
• Some 25% of all kids who are diagnosed with cancer die.
• Some pediatric brain tumors are terminal upon diagnosis and no new protocols have been developed in 30 years.
• Many pediatric cancers, including neuroblastoma and disseminated medulloblastoma, are terminal upon progression or recurrence.
• More children die of cancer every year than adults died in the 9/11 terrorist attack.
• Cancer kills more children than AIDs, asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and congenital anomalies combined.
• The average age of death for a child with cancer is 8, causing a child to lose 69 years of expected life.
• The death of a child is a traumatic event that parents never overcome. Families who have lost children are often financial and emotionally depleted.
• 74% of childhood cancer survivors have chronic illnesses, and some 40% of childhood cancer survivors have severe illnesses or die from such illnesses.
• Childhood cancer survivors are at significant risk for secondary cancers later in life.
• Cancer treatments can affect a child’s growth, fertility, and endocrine system. Child survivors may be permanently immunologically suppressed.
• Radiation to a child’s brain can significantly damage cognitive function, or if radiation is given at a very young age, limiting the ability to read, do basic math, tell time or even talk.
• Physical and neurocognitive disabilities resulting from treatment may prevent childhood cancer survivors from fully participating in school, social activities and eventually work, which can cause depression and feelings of isolation.

Please help me increase awareness and funding. Wear your gold ribbon. Start up a fundraising campaign. Encourage your local schools and businesses to "go gold" and then to donate their gold! Let's bring an end to cancer.